The world has united to yell one question: where is Kate Middleton? The Princess of Wales and future Queen Consort has vanished into thin air and has not been seen since Christmas. The last known photo of her was taken on Dec. 25 and Buckingham Palace is being suspiciously vague about her current condition.

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Before we get into some pretty wild internet scuttlebutt let’s outline the facts. On Jan 17. 2024 it was announced that Middleton was undergoing “planned abdominal surgery.” A few weeks later, on Feb. 9 2024 she was taken to Adelaide Cottage at Windsor Castle. The few other solitary scraps of confirmed information are she doesn’t have cancer and that she’s “doing well.”

But there are eyebrow-raising inconsistencies with the official story. Kate had a full diary of scheduled events planned for this year, with announcements being made as recently as late December that she and William would be making a trip to Rome in early 2024. As such, while this surgery may technically have been planned, it looks like it was planned at the very last minute.

Then there’s the fact that we haven’t seen a single image of her this year. King Charles has been repeatedly photographed entering and leaving hospital, but there are no photos of Kate whatsoever. In addition, the royal family haven’t even released a direct quote from her thanking well-wishers, as is generally custom.

Into this information vacuum has sprung some pretty wild theories. So, let’s go through them, from the disturbing to the bizarre.

Kate Middleton is in a coma

Kate Middleton is in a medically induced coma but you didn’t hear that from me😉

— HRH yazlexis texas (@yazminjjade) February 28, 2024

The theory goes that Kate suffered complications during her operation and has been placed in a coma, which she is yet to awaken. This story was reported on a Spanish TV show Fiesta, where journalist Concha Calleja said she’d spoken to a Royal aide who’d told her:

“The doctors had to take drastic decisions at that moment because of the complications that arose. The decision was to put her in an induced coma. They had to intubate her. There were serious complications that they didn’t expect because the operation went well, but the postoperative period didn’t go so well.”

Official sources have responded to this, dubbing her story “ludicrous.” That said, a coma would explain why there are no photos of her and no direct quotes thanking well-wishers. A coma would also somewhat mitigate any anger that her true condition had been covered up, as this would be a private medical matter.

Kate is divorcing William

I think Kate Middleton served William divorce papers cause she's over the cheating but did it as Charles found out he’s dying so the palace said, ‘Can't have an unmarried King’ and now they’re doing EVERYTHING to make her stay but she's refusing to participate in the charade now

— Nathalie Gordon (@awlilnatty) February 28, 2024

There have long been rumors that William has cheated on Kate. In 2019 newspapers outside the U.K. reported that he’d had an affair with Kate’s friend Rose Hanbury, with the fallout from that a big factor in Prince Harry and Meghan Markle departing the U.K. (as Harry saw William as replicating Charles’ destructive behavior).

This theory simply states that Kate is demanding a divorce from William but the royal family, desperate to avoid an avalanche of bad press and the prospect of an unmarried King, is trying to convince her to stay. The thinking goes that a detente of sorts has been reached, with Kate agreeing not to officially file papers but also refusing to engage in any royal duties or make public appearances.

Kate Middleton was attacked by Prince William

When he left the hospital after a month, Prince Philip was paraded in front of photographers to show that he was OK. Yet, we have nothing on Kate Middleton? Are the rumors about her and William getting physical true? I don't like her but domestic violence is not ok. #WhereIsKate

— the blue (@thebluestshade) January 30, 2024

Another lingering rumor is that Prince William has a short temper and can be physically abusive. The thinking behind this is an account in Prince Harry’s autobiography Spare. Harry details an argument in which William insulted Meghan Markle and then resorted to violence. As Harry explained:

“It all happened so fast. So very fast. He grabbed me by the collar, ripping my necklace, and he knocked me to the floor. I landed on the dog’s bowl, which cracked under my back, the pieces cutting into me. I lay there for a moment, dazed, then got to my feet and told him to get out.”

Harry says that William apologized, but insisted that he didn’t “need to tell Meg about this.” This sounds like classic abuser behavior and the logic goes that if he’s capable of doing this to his brother he’s capable of doing it to his wife. If the heir to the throne had committed an act of domestic violence it’d be a very serious matter, and if said attack left her hospitalized we doubt he’d ever become king. Hence the cover-up, and why Kate is being kept under wraps.

Some even theorize William may have killed Kate, Charles’ cancer is so serious he has weeks to live, and William becoming king would give him immunity from murder charges. This seems a bit fanciful, as we doubt the British public would accept a murderer as a king — though it is rather Shakespearean!

Kate Middleton is being treated for an eating disorder

#KateMiddleton #PrincessKate All of these theories about Kate Middleton. The one that makes the most sense is a nervous breakdown and dealing with an eating disorder. That would take a good four months or more to deal with – so I’m going with that.

— Peace4Earth (@earth_peace62) February 28, 2024

Another vague umbrella theory is that Kate is recovering from a mental health crisis or undergoing treatment for an eating disorder. This is largely predicated on photos of her looking thin, though whatever her weight we suspect some would make dark predictions of ill health.

However, this would explain the length of her absence and, if she’s being fed through a nasogastric tube would explain why we haven’t seen any photographs of her.

Kate Middleton is being harvested for parts by King Charles

Kate Middleton hasn't been seen in months. Her and King Charles both went into hospital around the same time. The fact that the internet isn't full of conspiracy theories suggesting the King harvested her organs is surprising.

— Josh Earl (@MrJoshEarl) February 28, 2024

As the head of the royal family and reigning Monarch Charles is in supreme authority over his family. Now that he’s ill he may urgently require spare parts to unnaturally extend his reign. William is the heir and therefore cannot be touched, Harry is in California (possibly for this very reason) and this leaves Kate as the only source of precious internal organs.

Are Kate’s kidneys now at home in Charles’ regal torso? Is the King enviously eyeing up her fully functioning corneas and well-kept heart? We need answers.

Kate Middleton has had a BBL

Kate Middleton hasn’t been seen for about 2 months now

— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) February 27, 2024

On a lighter (but substantially more jiggly) note, some argue that Kate’s absence is because she’s recovering from a Brazilian buttock lift. This notorious plastic surgery removes from fat from other areas of your body and transplants them into your butt, improving the size and shape of it.

I mean, I can see why Kate would want to keep a new impressive posterior under wraps until it’s ready to be fully unveiled to the world, but I think we’d notice if we suddenly had a bootylicious princess on our hands.

Kate Middleton is Banksy

not a single banksy since kate middleton disappeared. coincidence?

— Lucy (@LMAsaysno) February 27, 2024

Could Kate Middleton be the elusive and iconic anonymous street artist Banksy, famed for having his provocative work pop up in unusual places? Did the royals discover a balaclava and a pile of empty spray cans tucked away inside an antique wardrobe and put her in lockdown before she can tag the palace?

Banksy’s most recent piece was unveiled in London on Dec. 22, 2024, calling for a ceasefire in Gaza. Kate’s last appearance in public was just days later. Coincidence?!

Kate Middleton is ‘The Unknown’ at the Glasgow Wonka Experience

Interesting how we’ve never seen Kate Middleton and The Unknown in the same room at the same time

— Holekage of the Hidden Bussy Village (@CAdreamboy) February 29, 2024

Of course, the two viral stories of the week had to collide at some point. Could Kate be this mysterious AI-generated terror of children and known choc thief? Well, there’s no evidence to the contrary!

Kate Middleton is the new drummer in Slipknot

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

— Oscaaargh 🏳️‍⚧️ (@SkeletonOscar) February 28, 2024

Kate Middleton has quite a bit of musical training. She’s a pianist, flautist and apparently a good singer. But can she pound the drums to the complex metal beats of Slipknot’s back catalogue? Well, at least the mask would give her some anonymity…

Kate Middleton has been abducted by aliens

i would not have noticed if kate middleton was out of the public eye for years personally but now im afraid i have a real concern that she has been abducted by aliens

— bruce bogbutter (@dorkusmalorkus_) February 27, 2024

C’mon, you knew aliens were coming at some point. Though, given what we know about the British royals, life in Alpha Centauri with the Greys is probably way more normal than whatever goes on behind closed doors at Buckingham Palace.