It’s time to get real, folks. This list was long overdue, and is (without a doubt) the most significant challenge I’ve ever faced in my young writing career. No pressure. We’re talking Backyard Baseball today sports fans, so get ready for one wild ride. Ups and downs. Heroes and villains. Friends to enemies… You know the rest.

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Backyard Baseball is, and will always be, a uniquely singular gaming experience. A product of the early 2000s, this iconic sports game captivated a whole generation of young gamers — and offered a wacky alternative to similar contemporaries of the time. Yet it wasn’t gameplay that endeared hardcore fans to this lo-fi ball game. It was its legendary list of characters.

No joke, the original Backyard Baseball roster is absolutely stacked. MLB could never. In fact, it shouldn’t even try. Amongst those first 30 kids, what we wound up getting was a set of diverse personalities and crazy skill. Oh, and they all had a custom walk-up songs.

Ranking these youngsters is no easy feat though, and seeing as each possesses their own unique qualities — my criteria for how they stack up against each other is going to be a bit subjective. Skill alone won’t secure any one of these snot-nosed kids a better spot on my list. Don’t even think about it, Reese.

My judgements will be based on skill, of course, but also include personality and overall vibe. Are these the type of kiddos grade school Parker would have hung with back in the day? I was a bookworm. So probably not, if we’re being honest. Now, without more delay, let’s pass unrelenting judgement on fictional children.

30. Reese Worthington

It had to be Reese. “He doesn’t like running too much though so you shouldn’t put him on the field.” Are you serious? Who invited this kid? He loves baseball, but hates playing baseball. Makes sense. Yeah, he’s got a great field presence but what’s that matter if you know he won’t perform in those big moments?

29. Jorge Garcia

Generally known as one of the worst, Jorge is basically oatmeal. Not great, not good, but not bad either — he just sort of exists, and doesn’t like playing in the outfield. What’s with these kids? A consistent ball player, Jorge is smack in the middle (skill wise), but that won’t get him any higher on my list.

28. Ashley Webber

Well, here we are, the Webber girls. Ashley and her twin sister Sidney are pretty darn interchangeable. Meaning you shouldn’t expect my next two rankings to move the needle all that much. Identical in more ways than one, Ash and Sid share the same nickname, stats, and wardrobe. Weird, right?

27. Sidney Webber

Honestly, they’re just facing different directions. Do we know for sure that this person didn’t just take two different photos on team picture day? “Little Smokey” isn’t even a good nickname. Also, do we ignore the fact that if they aren’t on the same team they’ll have a meltdown? Do better.

26. Gretchen Hasselhoff

I have a feeling that Gretchen may have written her own bio here. She’s “fast and smart”? Fast we’ll talk about, but who gives a crap how smart she is? She could be as dumb as a stump if it meant she hit dingers. Which she doesn’t. Gretchen Hasselhoff simply can’t keep up.

25. Marky Dubois

Look. I’m all for self-expression, but if you’re going to play baseball let’s at least wear shoes. Marky Dubois, or “Cootie” to his friends, might have his overall game down — yet with a lack of kicks, none of that matters.

24. Sally Dobbs

You’d think with a nickname like “The Boss” Sally would be so-so much better. Leadership can be a great quality, but if you’re a “cold duck in the batter’s box” how can you ever expect to get picked? She brags about pitching, but it the weakest part of her game. The point is, sally is way too much of a Risk.

23. Annie Frazier

The rainbow shirt, the pink cap. Annie makes it work. Plus, she likes animals and ice cream. Don’t we all? Annie definitely knows how to capture a crowd, and if she’s not stealing bases she’s probably out stealing hearts somewhere. Still, she’s another one of the kids who doesn’t like to run, making her a huge liability.

22. Ronny Dobbs

Sally’s younger brother, Ronny is the man. He wants to be treated like a big kid? So do I pal, so do I. With his throwing arm and overall demeanor, it’s safe to say this kid is small but mighty. Everyone loves to root for the underdog, and this one has got something to prove. You do you, “Spud”.

21. Ricky Johnson

Ricky is so clearly the neighborhood nice guy. Everyone loves him. He’s modest, and more importantly, improves whichever team he’s on. Anything he lacks in skill he can make up for in athleticism, and I wouldn’t be so sure that with a little growing up — Ricky couldn’t be the next big prospect.

20. Dmitri Petrovich

First of all, the nickname “Paste” is real unfortunate. There’s no way around that. Dmitri does have an understanding of the game of baseball though , even if he can’t pitch worth a damn. He’s got a cool baseball card collection, and brought a slide rule just in case anyone wanted to get mathematic. Say what you want about the kid, but he Dmitri prepared.

19. Lisa Crocket

Every team needs a wild card, and Lisa Crocket doesn’t disappoint. She’s got a “mean left hook” and her nickname is “Mad Dog” — need I say more? There’s no doubt on my mind that Lisa Crocket would do anything for her teammates, which is why she’s made it this far into the rankings.

18. Kimmy Eckman

No, it’s not twinkle toes, it’s “Twinkie Toes.” Kimmy Eckman doesn’t just have a lot of candy, she has a lot of heart, and that’s the only reason she cracked the top 20. Kimmy is just psyched to be invited, and that’s a huge asset to any childhood outing. She hits like a freight train and has the best pigtails in the league.

17. Billy Jean Blackwood

Billy Jean Blackwood might be Bigfoot. This girl is a monster. Marvel needs to give this gal a call, she’d make a great She-Hulk. Her nickname is “Crazy Legs,” and with what I’m seeing — I believe it.

16. Maria Luna

I’m still trying to figure out how she fit that little green hat in between those braids. Maria is petty good, all things considered, just don’t put her on the mound. She loves pink, and seems downright delightful.

15. Kenny Kawaguchi

Kenny has got a cannon for an arm. This little dude pitches heat, plain and simple — and from a wheelchair no less. Setting an example for all the kids out there who think they aren’t good enough, “K-man” has got the eye of the frikken’ tiger. Stay out of his way or he’ll run you over, literally.

14. Amir Khan

Anyone with “Sticks” as their nickname is alright in my book. Amir Khan likes three things: music, root beer, and baseball. A few of life’s greatest pleasures. He can bat and pitch, a rare combo for the game of baseball, and seems crazy eager. Let’s give him a shot.

13.  Ernie Steele

The kids want to hate Ernie, they do, but he’s way too funny to stay mad at. Ernie is so frustratingly good at baseball that he doesn’t even have to try. Focused on the big picture Ernie isn’t in it for the glory. He’s a team player and has some solid field work. What more could anyone want?

12. Luanne Lui

Luanne Luis is a statistical anomaly. She’s the youngest kid on the field, won’t let go of her teddy, and somehow manages to run like the wind and pitch like a pro. What a cutie.

11. Vicki Kawaguchi

A two sport athlete, Vicki or “Swan” to her enemies, understood the assignment. She can run, pitch, and field — all while wearing a ballet dress.

10. Mikey Thomas

Mikey Thomas can put the ball wherever he wants it. He’s a home run machine. That is, if he’s not battling one of his many chronic illnesses. He’s like Babe Ruth, if Babe Ruth had an autoimmune disorder.

9. Angela Delvecchio

Color coordinated outfit? Check. Fantastic nickname? Check. She even likes to pretend she isn’t good on the mound — and we both know that’s not true. Between her and her brother Tony, Angela calls the shots.

8. Kiesha Phillips

Kiesha Phillips is a bolt of lightning. Her combination of batting and running make for an incredible player. Sometimes you get an all-star who can do one or the other, but bringing the two together means that Kiesha can take care of business just about anywhere.

7. Dante Robinson

If great hair were a category, Dante would be the winner. You all wish you could have an afro like this dude. Robinson is a generational talent, and the craziest part? He’s not even asking for money in return. All he wants is food. Same here.

6. Tony Delvecchio

Tony has got enough swagger for this entire list, combined, and does it with a lollipop in his mouth. Tony D is the type of kid who can get you anything you need. New baseball glove? He’s got you. Box of Snickers? Next question.

5. Jocinda Smith

A nickname like “MVP” should not be taken lightly. Jocinda is pretty good, but barely. If it weren’t for her batting and fielding skills, she would have been near the bottom.

4. Stephanie Morgan

Stephanie is an interesting one. She’s easily one of the most consistent Backyard Baseball players around, and doesn’t brag about it — we’re looking at you Jocinda. She’s not in it for the glory, she’s in it for the love of the game, and that’s why she succeeds where others don’t.

3. Achmed Khan

I’m not even sure Achmed is able to hear his teammates with those giant headphones of his, but what’s it matter? The only thing “Axeman” needs to hear is the sound of baseballs rocketing off his bat.

2. Pete Wheeler

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride — Pete Wheeler is cooler than a polar bear’s back. Look at him. You’d think someone under so much pressure might seem more tense. Nope. Not Wheeler. He’s to busy roping the ball, and running like a spooked deer.

1. Pablo Sanchez

He’s the grim reaper, the harbinger of boom. Was there ever any doubt that Pablo Sanchez wouldn’t be number one on my list? Look at the smile on his face. This kid knows he’s the best, and isn’t even trying to hide it at this point. Pablo doesn’t speak english, and doesn’t need to. He lets his baseball do the talking, and boy what a magpie. Backyard Baseball is Pablo’s world, we’re just living in it.